The Niwa Pages

I wanna crash...I've just gotta do this last assignment and then I can go home...well and I need to pack...but thats minor right now...and practically done.
Steves gone....He went home yesterday. I don't miss him so much yet...but I will when I go home cause i'll be further away, must resit erge to call him every five miniutes.

My disseration is now in lots of little segments so when i come back I can just jump straight into it and edit easily. I hope I can fix some of the lighting and sound problems...Its been ages since I edited properly and Im not 100% confident in my ability to do it well.. 2:2 maybe...2:1 dare to dream.

Not working this weekend. Told Em I couldnt...to be fair I can, Im just in desprate want of going home...funny cause as soon as Im home I'll want to leave again. I hardly see anyone back home anymore. Mostly my fault and partily cause im sure alot of them arnt keen on me anymore. But Im seeing my bestest bests and thats what matters.

Really I just want it to be New Years so I can be back with Steve...very lame but I just love being with him, he makes me laugh and smile and I feel so safe and comfy with him.

Still need to buy my Dads birthday and Christmas present...I wonder if he will except a hug...or my love in a box...perhaps...may be worth trying.

Enjoy this Video, written & directed by Stephen Leigh & Robert Trott, Set Dressed by Moi

Even thou its not realeased till Monday, their DVD's arrived today, and there on the special features YEYEYE my little Zombies awwwwwwwww. Its so brilliant I love it. And we paused and zoomed on episode 4 and you can see them, if you know its them. I'm so proud. I probly would never have watched it, if they hadn't been in it, but I really enjoyed it in the end.
Was bragging at work again that my boyfriend was in it. He He.

speaking of work...the car scares me still!!!! HUGE CAR!!!, ok huger than what im used to. But Collete came with me, to show me the way to the better chippy, so I can get the nicer chips for everyone. Whated the footage of Wednesday's show and....oh dear. No wonder S was grrring about it. Was kinda a mess, and sucks cause it was the live show, not like Fridays where we can re shoot untill its done right.

Got to cover Bob in fake blood which was fun, not my usall duties at work, but I have to assist where i'm asked too so lol He looked so amazing once it was all done and really freaky. Even though im getting paied late from this job and the galmour is wearing off, I still love working with these people, the friday night crew are so much fun and so relaxed I just love it.

*Sigh* a boyfriend on DVD special features, working for with the lottery...really come quite away from all that complaining we'd never get anywhere,,,,

Just want I want...to be ill...well im alot better than yesterday so far....hopefully its just down to a cough.
I finally have been given the best oppertunity I could possibly hope for and I get bloody ill.

Don't  rightly care, I'll go in even if im coughing up my lungs there is no way I'm losing this oppertunity because I'm ill.
I know i'm being watched cause there gonna interview somebody else this week as well. So hopefully if I go in practicly dying they will appricate my level of commitment and keep me.

But thing is even just working one week for them opens so many doors for me. Ive gotten my foot in the door and thats the important thing.
More importantly I did It on my own. Ive finally started doing it for myself. All that whinning and putting myself down and I may have actully gotten somewhere.
I'm gonna be exhusted by the end of this week. Gonna lose my social life completly at least 3 nights a week.  But I'm growing up now and I guess work somewhere along the line is gonna take over in priority...is it? I dunno
I'll work it all out I guess. I'm so nevrous about this I want them to keep me.
I'm gonna miss being at home with Steve. But at least he'll get some alone time if i'm working late.

Uni Starts soon and I'm still unsure of whaty I actully need to do. Blackbored is down so I cant even get on there to dowload the film list for this year aaaaaaaah stupid Uni.

How is it everyone else seems to know what they want to do with their lives.

Ok so maybe many people have no clue what they want, maybe many many people are in the same boat as me and have no clue.
I'm always whinning it seems. I leave for 3 mounths and havent changed that much really have I? Well maybe I guess in a way I have changed.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I'm still having this roadbloke problem. Where I come up againt a problem and imeditaly give up. Its a quality I find very frustrating in some of my friends and even more infurtiating in myself. Even with the amazing things i have done this summer and the amazing man in my life and the great friends sometimes i wish I could go back, and maybe chose my subjects diffrently, do another year of college, take a year out. Pick a clearer path.

For so long in my life I was sure all I wanted was to get married and have children and that would be it. But now I'm in my thrid year of college and last year I started to relise I want more out of life I want a carrer and a decent incombe so I can support a family. But this self confidence issue is really getting to me.
I wish I had a better portfolio and more creative ideas I need to write them down and have a book of my ideas and what not. I should have started this years ago. I think I did but they always just end up forgotten.

I'm constantly telling myself I'm not good enough. I must be good at something. I'm so jelous of people I went to school/college with who are persuing a hobbie if Carrer. Like HW who is now modeling and LM football+marrige,  JP working for a production company etc etc...I hate it I feel like Ive wasted my life and its too late to start over.

Finaces are getting to be a strain as well. I keep increasing my overdraft and then practiclly maxing it out the next day, And no matter how many times the bank tells me I'm doing really well to not have the maxum overdraft in my 3rd year I cant help but cry. I feel like my temp jobs sometimes barley cover the petrol cost to and from some of my jobs.

I need to work to earn money. But then I have to spend money (on petrol) to make money. And if they have nothing definate for me sometimes i am really reluctent to go to breakfest club and get a job. I find myself sitting there and praying that they wont find me work. which is stupid.
Ive just spent the summer working in America at all an all-girls Camp in Pennyslvania. I worked in there kitchen and got treated like crap by somepeople and earnt less than a 3rd of what I could have earned had I stayed at home and worked this summer. Yes it was America and a great chance to do something with my life but I feel now I'm home scared shitless about my finaces that that experince is tanted cause I wish Id stayed and earnt the money.

Not to mention working in a kitchen,..again...Ive done no independent film work in ages. And i'm constanly doing kitchen jobs...im so unbelivably terrifed Im going to spend the rest of my life working in a kitchen...and I dont want that at all. Ive applied for Jobs closer to my field i.e cinema and theatre. But dear Gods help me find the strength to actully do something about my current state of mind and fincace and affairs in genral. I need the strength and will power that I found in America to carry on into my Englsih life.

I was so scared out there but I made it through I grew up and I found a way through it all. Dammit I need that strength here.

So Todays the day I leave for America.................

10 days to go Untill Camp America

24 hours 30 mins untill film studies exam which i have done very little revision if any at all

5 hours 30 mins till re-signing contract for house

Yippie They've changed my flight date now YES I fly out 2 days earler than planned so NEW TICKER TIME:

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

In 7 days from today I'm turning 20, scary thought that im that much closer to being 21, and an adult by global standereds.
My birthday this year looks to be a million times better than last years, for starters my bestest best friend is comming to vist me,  secondly I may also be seeing my favorite musical again, with said bestest best friend. and thirdly my bestest best mates from my not so bestest uni ever, will be celebrating it with me in style at one of my favorite places in the not so brilliant Wycombe.

For saying I dislike Wycombe because its boring and there is not much to do here...I'm really loving it at the moment. I love my friends here, my social life is brilliant. There building a new shoppin centre which looks to be completed by 3rd year...and now i find myself not wanting to leave them, wanting to stay here and spend my time with the Wycombeites. Most of my friends here are the ones that have lived in Wycombe there entire or majority of there lives and will most likly live out there lives here and i don't want to leave them.
I felt like this sometimes at college when i was being moody. I made some very good friends there, granted i hardly talk to half of them anymore, but the ones that I talk to are the ones that I miss most. Like my bestest best mate Amy, my adorbale Sarah, my lovly Samy etc. I miss them alot. But even so I still find myself not wanting to go home so much anymore, even thou I miss my parents and my friends. But my friends arnt at home, there at Uni, or abroud, or college still and working very hard, so we miss each other but have no time too see each other..the sad fact of growing up I guess.

With one of my home friends looking at the slim posiblity of comming to this Uni next year, I find myself getting slightly hopeful that she will be here, which i have to stop cause if she dosnt come, ill be disapointed if i raised my hopes up to high. It would be cool if she were here, but you acn't pick uni's based on your friends, or i'd have transfered to bourmouth or kent by now.

So turning 20 makes me relise how un-grown up I actully am, my mother keeps telling me how proud she is of me and how much ive done with my life, cause of course my Parents were getting married at this point in there lives. But I can't help but look around at some of my friends and relise how little I've done with my life. One of my housemates is 22ish and when we work on projects togther she seems to be annoyed at my level (and the level of others around her) of  experince. She's been doing stuff like this for 7 years where as I've been at it for 2. I'm still learning and sometimes oversteph my boundries or don't do enough to help.
It's tough talking to her about my insecurites with a project or with her because she so tough, gotta respect her for that even if it is intemidaing.
And of course thers my friend who just got a singing carrer launched....its completly amazing, but again reminds me of how little is going on in my life...and then of course reminds me that im completly lazy and the reason nothing happens in my life is cause I don't make it happen.

My trouble is the moment i come up against some sort of barrer, I emditaly give up, like wantiing to be a casting director...because i don't know actors always by there names, or keep record of upcomming stars I have assumed i am unfit for the job and have given up.
Director..too much responsiblity
Actor...havnt done it in years and dont have the proper training
Cameraperson....cameras are fidly i dislike them
lighting assistant....hate lights evil things
script writer....writers block
the list goes on with me...I say  "ok I'm going to do this" I try really hard for a while them hit a brick wall, and instead or reversing and asking for directions, I give up and go home. I'm an incredibly jelous person, I can admitt this. I should have been born with green eyes, would have fitted my personality that much better. I really need to discover myself and stick with something and not give up on it.

I keep saying I'm going to write artcils on "disny princess as a postive female role model" and "the guide to movie servival" but there good in my head i just refuse to write them down because I'm lazy. But I want to write them.
I want to do more in life. I went to the comedy socity last night, so thats one MORE thing, I've told my friends i will be an actress for them if needed, so thats another one MORE thing...but I need to find something that will give me focus. I'm in my seocnd year, the one before the end and I really don't have a clue as to what im going to do after Uni.. I might continue with Media and focus on that, I may regain a love of video production and carry on with that. But none of this will happen  unless I get over my self pity and insecurity about my life.

I'm rambling on and on about my life and I have a lesson in 8....7mins.  so I shall keep rambling.

Filmed a music video yesterday for the unsigned, local wycombe band Grim Lake Facility. by 11am we were running behind schedual, and we still havnt finished filming all of it. But i was talking to Jen (camera) and Jen (director) and we pretty much know whats left to do, so now its a case of finding time to do it. Was so worried we wouldnt have an audince and then bamn by 1:30 we had a crowed of people come and they were fab. They really got into it, acting at the bar, pretending to order drinks and dancing away, they really got into it. Sam our lighting tech guy said to me, it was the most people he'd seen turn up for a fake gig, even more than what seemed to trun up for a real gig (seemed around the same amount to me as what turned up to Sandi Thom in the Union last year). I was really greatful for all my friends who came, especially to Chris who came up from Reading to be in it, I suspect he was bored and whated something new to do.
(3 mins till lesson....it will start late anyway)
Spent way over the budget of what I was given, which mostly went on these hellium ballons. which I ADORE, i have them in my room. I'm keeping them for as long as they will last (1 week apprently). There Red Stars with a balck circle, to mwatch the glasses that the band had as homage to another video they were gonna do.
We're hoping this Video will be aired on TV, eitehr Scuzz or Sky Sports Extreme...or not at all...Wow scary if it does...work that I've done being on TV.  Gives you the urge to do  more!!!

Wow half past now...I only came online to waste time inbetween lessons and I seem to have written my personal memoir! lol by far I havnt but a good rant is a rant none the less.
next time we discuss men and the lack of them....or the sudden increase depending on how you veiw the situation. Dear Dear.

I want to share the music of GRIM LAKE FACILITY with you all. We're working with this band, this term to make them there first Video to their sound Cloud Circus.
I will be looking for crowed members to be in this video soon. So keep an ear out for that.
Click HERE to check them out.
I'm excited about this Video as much as I'm really nervous about it too, because if its good...well...I wont say in case it dosnt happen. I told one to many friends already and if it dosnt happen it will be sad but at least if I havnt said anything I don't look foolish.

Also taking a trip to Northamptonshire Monday after this to do so some reserch on a feild, for a documentry.

And Camp America is looking to be a serious posibility at the moment...just need to refrences, 3 pictures and an interview. I'm praying I get this. I reallly need this right now. I need all 3 things mentioned so far to go so well so I can look back on them and know I've done something great with my life.

I really really really need it!

So the car broke down again. A33 between Reading and Basingstoke the clutch went, stranded and a tad panicy. Some nice police men arrived after a while and called for immidate recovery, that took another 30 or more I have no idea tried not to look at the time. Needless to say the Cars been scrapped.
Was taken to a police approved recovery garage thingie, and paid Gods know how much for recovery and scrapping.
By bye Betty!

Jen said i was being selfish in not going back to Uni today to help film, she couldnt undertsand why i just couldnt take the train up and then take the train back and sort it all out at the weekend. I didnt relise myself how dependent on my car i had become, i really only use it for long travels to work and between Uni and home, shopping trips and visits to Steph.
I almost made it back up today thou... I now own Mums car, to here after be refered to as my car. But alas 2 tyers needed to be changed so i wouldnt have made it back on time to shoot, so i'm staying in the Andover/ Basingstoke region for the weekend or part of.

Missed my Media presentation, but I called my lectura before hand and explained the situation, we shall be sorting out a time for me to do it at a later date. Joy.
Still need to film music Vid. And now have a Film essay to start. Damn didnt we just finsih one.. *sob*

Gonna stay in Wycombe for a week after term ends to get some more work with Blue Arrow so I can pay for car insurance and the genral expense of living. Might be living at home next year. I don't think I can live in 220 for my 3rd year. Too much hassel with the Gas and Electriciaty. Need to talk to Lectures see if they can give me a rough idea of what my time tabel is likly to be like in 3rd year so I can figure out where im living.
Although living in Andover next yr would be awfuly boring considering my best friends wont be there. All moved away to 'happier' places.

I'm cancelling Chistmas. too much money to worry about ontop of all other money worries. its irritating cause everytime i have a mood swing I spend money, so my DVD's are increasing but my money is going opposite.

Rate my poem, Go here
If it dosnt come up with my one ull know. Mines called TELLING YOU

EDIT: tis a SCAM, I knew it, he he. Oh well =)

if people knew about this and didnt tell me, Im hunting you down and murdering each and evryone of you...you have been warned!!!

I must go to kings cross and i must go NOW!!!!

Back in Wycombe now for roughly 2ish weeks. Had enough trouble with Car to last a blimin life time. Wasd driving along the A303 when a stone hit my window and the whole thing shattered in. Bloody scary I'll tell you but shorted within 2 hours RAC came out and fixed it £60 bye bye plus the £15 to get the headlight replaced....my car is cursed. But I love driving it, and im relaxing more so its all good.

Been doing alot of work since Ive been back or so it feels. Was an extra on a film called Finding Frank for about 4 hours, learnt loads from watching and talking to the Crew on that. Been helping Caley with her independent project called "Friday Night" and thats been fun, Two Days left of filming on that, and Christian has signed me up to crew on another film so all is looking well. Need to get MORE stuck in, been storybording my own ideas more and thinking of projects I want to do that I can get others involved with. Gonna help Caley out with the Film Society this year, thinking of some Rocky Horror Theamed Halloween Night for that.

The Freshers are here and their EVERYWHERE!!! its wicked cause theres life in the Uni once more. I Get mytime Table Friday, Im supposed to be doing Documentry and Music Video, but I'm noty sure I wanna do Documentry so Im gonna Tag along to Alternative Video and see if I prefer doing that instead.

My house is great, Im really enjoying it now, thou the mess is a tad irriatting, cause Sams lived there for a year already it wasnt cleaned before We moved in and cause Jen and Rai lived there over the summer as well its already got there mess and life scattered in it and im still finding my place and junk in it. The kitchen needs a bigger side so we can wash up easeir. I have a sofa bed downstiars so we can have vistors and make them sleep on it. We still havnt got the Net so I can only use it when Im inside the Uni.
Adress is Undercut for people who havnt got it and want to write to me, I have some peoples adresses so I can write to them, but I would like more so I can keep in contact with more of you and send you things

I'm quite happy at the moment, but I miss a few people who I havnt spoken to in ages like, the Garveys, Lilly, Craig, Jo, Amy, Sam, Scharm, Gizmo, Toria, Hannah (lots of people too many to name). But Hopefully ill see some of these people at the weekend when I come home for Cams 21st.

I need a job still, I've handed in CV's and filled in applications but Im still waiting for responses, theres an angency near by advertising for students, so Im going to vist them once I have my time table.

Cant wait to get stuck into this course and do my work, Plesentville is the 1st film of the year, I have it on DVD but I may  still go to the screening its always fun watching these films on BIG screen.
 

I passed WOOP WOOP
2nd try and only 9 miniors very happy. But now the scary prospect of driving on my own AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Thank you to my lovies who made it out last night to celebrate with me. And to Cam and Modge for Walking me home safe. I think i could have managed it alone but it was best for the escorts to make sure i didnt stand all night talking the candyfloss kittie It was HUGE and FLUFFY.

And now, suprisingly hungover free i shall skip merily to work la la la la

Hey Guys, Suzy here finally emerging from the world of Harry Potter 7. Its all done and dusted now.

Got my driving test on tuesday I really wanna pass so I can get some better jobs under my belt.  Ordered my new Bed today YEYE should be here by Friday, and Oh yeah I got a new mobile yeterday, so If I didnt txt you my new number and you want it, either txt my old number or leave me a message and ill send it to you. Some of u r missing from my phone book or i have old numbers or i accidnetly skipped past u cause it only let me send so many at a time and i lost track at one point.
If u r reaidng this LJ then I belive u have the right to ask me for my number cause i think its a friends view only...ill make sure it is before i press post.

hmm  what else....work hours changed now working 10-7.

Love you all
xxxxxxxxx

There is no room left on any of my shelves.. NONE..nope natta!
My DVDs have taken over. And my Books are still threatening to snap their shelves in....need more books....need more (LESS) DVD's
Need to exercise MORE self control...I did well today..only bought 9...well...6. There so pretty!

Good day of family fun. Hot sun, lovley bitch BIG shopping places... Found ammusment that my dad and I could discuss our opinions on Ann Summers out fits without emabrassment...."Oo look Dad pretty" "yes it is pretty...what about this one" "no I dont like the stripes"!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he he he there is so shame!

I want my new bed,...well no I want my current bed to be heald. poor angel.
He he my frige Hums...HUUUUUUUUUUUUM... its so cold in there...I could put a penguin in there and it would FREEZE!

My foot iches

Been listening to this song for days and I wanted to share it with the people I love the most.

Also for anyone that dosnt know, My Grandfather passed away this week. His funeral will be in bout 2 weeks and we wil be scattering his and his mothers ashes in Wales, can't remeber exactly where, but my parents are gonna stay up there for a while and clear out his house and sort out the final details, and Im gonna come home, so I dont get under there feet, cause it will be hard enough without me interfering.
Everyones fine at the moment, so if when i say I'm fine I actully mean it.
Mum cries now and then, but shes' holding most of it back at the present. I'm annoyed cause I cant find my golden necklace. Its a Cross with Jesus on it, and its very precious because even thou relgiously it dosnt mean alot to me, it was one of the only girfts my Grandfather gave me that i Remember and I really want it in time for the funeral, because its precious to me and always has been even when my grandfather and i didnt get along.
RIP Grandad

oh and also if you know anyone or even want it yourself.. I'm selling my bike gear.
and some of my mangas.
xxxx

I've just read my star sign for today...Proves I should read it more oftern.
It was right and I am going to take its advice even though the day ends in 4 mins (3 mins now)


I'm ok. Its the end of the world, its really not and I am genuilly ok right now. Ive stoped crying I've stoped shacking (inside now much warmer). Its ok to dwell for a bit but I'm quite happy to let the past be past, I always knew the answer even if I didn't want to admitt to it. If it really was that simple then so be it.
All I'm considerned with is the now. of course I would like to unravel the mysteries of the past, but in the end all I can do is cry about it, and move on, so I guess thats what I'll do.

I'll talk to my friends, I'll laugh, I'll cry, I'll find a job, do some story bords, go back to Uni and get on with it.
I don't fully want to forget the past because Good or Bad it ment something to me.

A few of you will understand what this entrie is about, and to you guys I say, I'm not mad, angry or resentful to any of you, thank you for being my friends and for caring about me and for being as honest with me as you could.
And for those of you that have no sodding clue what inspired this entrie...know that I am ok, I will be sad, but I will get over it and its no one fault, no ones to blame and to be perfectly honest its none of your buisniss.  Thou either someone else or myself will probly tell u in the end *sigh*
But I love you all the same, In the end this problem comes down to only 2 people and we are gonnna sort it out. Others that got involved I'm sorry and I really hope I havn't caused to much greif on yoursides, really cause thats the last thing I want. This was something very silly and thank you for being so supportive to me, but I think now I should really just deal with it myself, or I'll end up hurting more inoccent people.

I do love you guys and I hope this entrie dosnt upset anyone, I just wanted to get somethings off my chest while I'm calm enough to say them.